I enjoy journaling because it enables me to look back on time and see how far I have come. It also enables me to see how much work I still have to put in to get where I think I want to be. I say I think because our understanding of what is good for us is limited. Sometimes we want certain things in life that are bad for us, and sometimes certain situations appear in our lives that we think are bad, but can be good for us. Good for our growth, good for our inner strength, good for our self-esteem, just good for us. We can develop into stronger beings. Such a situation was presented to me in 2015 when I had a panic attack. I rebelled against those feelings, and just wanted everything to be as it was before in my life. As you can imagine nothing was as it was before. I was scared, I was intimidated, and I felt trapped in my thoughts. I couldn’t be alone anymore, which was a horrible feeling for my independent personality.
During this hard time, I had to reevaluate my life, restructure my thoughts, and do a lot of self-care work. Poetry was a big help in funneling my emotions, although at that point I was still quite new in writing poetry. A lot of free form poetry came out of this life situation. Here is one, and it goes like this:
Bubble
I am looking straight
The white lines continuing next to me
I can’t seem to get there fast enough
My lungs expanded
and mouth closed
–
I am bracing myself for the attack
Like the soldier on the tower
But the attack I’m anticipating
Comes from within
So sudden
So not anounced
–
I pull back
Restrict myself to certain places
Only go with certain people
Yes my smile Is covering up something
My silence is screaming
I am in a Bubble
Who can pop it?
–
written by Cristina Tarantino May 8, 2017
